My Conceptualization of The Inner Child
When I think of child-like qualities, and remember my own childhood self these are a few of the things that come to mind.
Imagination: My younger self had a collection of teddy bears, dolls and imaginary friends. As a little girl, she would find so much joy in hosting tea parties, and having conversations with, and between these little friends. I can still remember the names and backstories of my favorite stuffed animals - Fluffy the stuffed white dog that was always getting into trouble, and Dolly, the elegant princess that rode around on a carriage to avoid dirtying her gown.
Curiosity: Like many children, my younger self was always FULL of questions, and the world FULL of mysteries.
How do airplanes stay up?
Why is the sky blue?
What happens when we die?
How are babies born?
Why can’t animals talk like humans can?
What does the Easter Bunny look like?
I can recall a sense of awe and wonder, and sometimes, worry and fear as I would ask adults in my life for the answers to these questions amongst many others.
Presence: As toddlers, and small children, we seldom worry about the past or the future - we simply exist in the present moment. As a toddler, from what I’ve been told, and what I can remember, whether I was playing with friends, engaged in an activity, or exploring my surroundings - I was always totally immersed in what I was doing.
Joy: In childhood, we are experiencing everything for the first time! For my younger self, going to the beach, eating ice-cream, climbing trees, petting a friendly dog, getting a new stuffed animal or being told stories of mythological creatures and monsters would evoke a child-like glee, incomparable to any adult feelings.
Authenticity: If we believe that kids are born as blank slates like as John Locke proposed - we begin life free of likes and dislikes, bias, beliefs and thought, and it is through experience that we are shaped. Although I believe this is only partially true, I think it is children’s lack of exposure to external influence that allows them to be authentically themselves. As a child, I remember expressing my thoughts and feelings in absence of any filter, acting on impulse whether it was in the form of a temper tantrum or undiluted joy, and running, laughing, dancing, screaming or crying like not a soul in the world was watching.
As we grow up, we all too soon discover that these child-like qualities are often incompatible with success in an adult world. Our imaginations may become less active as we encounter more demands in reality. We may be forced to come to terms with the uncertainty afforded to us by so many unanswered questions, and stop asking. Managing our lives might necessitate that we learn from past mistakes to help us plan for the future thus, limiting the time we spend in the present. We may grow tired of the things that were once new and exciting, making it harder to feel joy. We may profit from being accepted into social groups, and in turn, learn to hide or enhance characteristics of ourselves that make us unique in order to ensure we will fit in. Throughout our developmental journey, we make these adjustments to our core self, and repress our inner child for the sake of survival.
In extreme cases, when children are deprived of developmental milestones, and do not feel safe enough to embrace their child-like qualities - the inner child may become developmentally “frozen”. For instance, the child may have internalized conditions of worth, learning that they will only be accepted and loved if they mask their true self. Alternatively, the child could have felt endangered, calling for the employment of defenses to keep them safe, and the suppression of emotions, cognitions, beliefs or behaviors that were not orientated towards survival. When this occurs, a child’s development can become stunted, and they may carry protective trauma responses with them into adulthood. Here, the problem is that often, the child is no longer in danger, and the strategies that once helped them - begin to harm them. For example, a little girl that learned to “faun”, and agree with everything her abuser said to avoid abuse may struggle with setting boundaries as an adult, and be prone to being taken advantage of. As we learn to nurture ourselves, and the child within, the traumatized parts of ourselves may need to hear that they are safe, and that “this is here and now, not there and then”.
Therapeutically, I prefer to think of the inner child as a part within us that has many expressions of joy, anger, fear, curiosity and authenticity, just as we would as children. The goal of inner child work is twofold. As a therapist, my role is to provide a clients inner child with a corrective, therapeutic experience. By building trust with the inner child, and signaling to them that I care about them unconditionally, and that they are safe and free to express themselves authentically, and explore their emotions - I am helping them to “unlearn” the adaptations that helped them succeed as an adult, but inhibited the child within. As a client, the work lays in beginning to meet the unmet needs of the child within, so that they can be nurtured, and liberated. Meeting the needs of the inner child could involve having conversations between the adult self and the child within, reconsolidating past memories, reminding the traumatized child that they are safe, advocating for the vulnerable parts of the self, or protecting the child from those that make them feel unsafe. For the client and therapist, reconnecting and building trust with, exploring the needs of, and eventually - liberating and nurturing the inner child is a long and difficult process that takes time and patience.
The concept of the inner child is an abstract idea, that has many different interpretations. As a constructivist, I like to think that meaning is not inherent, but co-created in our interactions. Hence, although this is my understanding of the inner child, it may not be shared by others. For me, the inner child embodies vulnerability, imagination, joy, creativity, presence and curiosity. However, if I am to cite Locke’s notion of a blank slate - I must acknowledge that even my own conceptualization of the inner child has been colored by my environmental, cultural and social surroundings. With this being said, I hope to continue embarking on my own journey of self-discovery and nurturing and liberating my child within, and encourage others to pave their own way towards an authentic expression of self- whatever that may look like.