Traumatic Growth
In my first psychology class, I heard a metaphor about orchids and dandelions that always stuck with me.
Dandelions can thrive in just about any environment, whereas Orchids require very specific environmental conditions to flourish. In a similar way, some children possess a genetic predisposition towards psychopathology that makes them more likely to be negatively impacted by growing up in an environment that lacks what they need - empathy, care, attention, safety, etc.
The thing about Orchids is although they require specific conditions to bloom - they are also highly resilient. An orchid may not flower in these less than ideal circumstances, but it will do what it needs to in order to survive (just like children and adults that have been traumatized).
My mother in-law is particularly gifted when it comes to bringing these beautiful plants back to life. Unlike me, who often neglects to meet the needs of her plants by giving them too much or too little water and sunlight - she has mastered the art of providing JUST ENOUGH attention and care. In the past, when I noticed that all of the petals had fallen from my Orchids, I would throw them away. When my mother-in-law witnessed me do this for the first time, I was scolded for my misstep and directed to leave my mistreated Orchids in her care. To my surprise, after spending some time in an environment that met their needs - they flowered again, and they were stunning!
The point I am trying to make is that we should never give up on ourselves or others when we have experienced trauma, loss or suffering. We should never assume that an individual does not have potential beyond what is within their capacity in the present, and beyond what their current environment allows. Instead, I believe that we should assume every human being has the capacity for healing, growth and transformation - when certain conditions are met. It may take time, but when we begin to take care of ourselves, and immerse ourselves in environments (like therapy) that meet our needs - we experience traumatic growth.
Put simply, traumatic growth is making lemonade out of lemons. It is when we take the most horrendous of experiences and the impact that they have had on our mind-body, and through working on ourselves, and processing - we turn our perceived shortcomings into our greatest strengths.
On a cognitive level, traumatic growth happens when we begin to understand the full scope of how we have been impacted by trauma. When combined with self-compassion, these precious self-insights give way to:
improved communication about our needs and boundaries.
an ability to view the world in a more nuanced way that honors multiple perspectives and realties opposed to a black and white way of thinking that was once protective, but no longer serves us.
greater acceptance of ourselves, as we learn that our emotions, impulses, behaviors and beliefs that feel radical or disproportionate stem from a history of being embedded in contexts that demanded we think, act and feel in extreme ways for the sake of safety.
greater acceptance of others as we begin to challenge our own biases and assumptions that have protected us from hurt in the past, but damage our relationships in the present.
On an emotional level, traumatic growth happens when we transform feelings of shame, aggressive anger, sadness, fear and loneliness into feelings of compassion, pride, assertive anger, forgiveness, courage and connection. Here, our healing does not come from denying the emotions that are painful or unpleasant - but from allowing ourselves to experience them fully so that we can discover what is on the other side.
On a bodily level, traumatic growth happens when our nervous systems begin to receive signals of safety, offered to us through new experiences that challenge the previously internalized belief that the world and others around us are unsafe and not to be trusted. When this occurs, we notice a felt shift from either hyper-arousal (always remaining hyper-aware of our anxiety and easily triggered by perceived threats) or hypo-arousal (being stuck in a state of collapse, numbed to experience and dissociated from our bodies) - towards regulation. Traumatized individuals feel traumatic growth taking place when:
our bodies start to move more freely, uninhibited by shame as we focus less on how we are being perceived, and more on what feels good in this very moment.
Instead of dismissing or repressing internal cries for help, we become active listeners to our bodies. This means learning to respond to the internal cues (ie. stomach growling, fatigue, boredom, lack of sensation/numbness, etc) that tell us what we need (ie. food, rest, excitement, connection, etc).
we no longer fear taking up too much space. This may look like using our voices when we have previously stayed quiet for fear of retaliation, or occupying more physical space in our environment when we have historically been made to feel ashamed of how much space our body occupies.
we breathe more deeply, rest more thoroughly, and when triggered - have the ability to soothe ourselves.
Sometimes months will pass before I am greeted with a freshly rejuvenated Orchid. Sometimes years will pass before clients begin to experience traumatic growth. For myself, I have many things left to learn and wounds to heal. In these periods of anticipating change, patience, compassion and acceptance for where we are at is integral to becoming the most authentic version of ourselves. Just like my Orchids, human beings have so much to offer that is well worth the wait.